What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 00:43
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I have no regrets .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Is it okay for my husband to help other ladies without telling me?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
What causes you to be tired all the time and major headaches?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The FCC is cracking down on EchoStar’s deployment of 5G. - The Verge
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Blocking Brain Inflammation Molecule May Halt Alzheimer’s - Neuroscience News
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Mormon Wives Come Together for Season 2 Reunion -- But One Major MokTok Member Is Missing! - TooFab
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When she asked me how she looked .
How NASA Plans To Deal With Death In Space - Jalopnik
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Oxford study finds 'extraordinary' tremors caused by tsunamis - BBC
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Comes on , in middle age.
I will be 64.
What caused the Democratic Party's 2024 presidential campaign to implode so horrifically?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Nintendo releases more Switch 1 game updates to improve Switch 2 compatibility - Nintendo Everything
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ive learnt so much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But it wasn’t much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We were not on the streets..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is soul school!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot live in the past .
We all went to grammer schools
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She wouldn,t have been !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It was going to be , some day.
I waited trembling.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was scared of men, in general
I was seconnd youngest,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I think the readers, may guess!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im still living with it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
All the time i was locked up.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My life is so biszare .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So whats the point in blame.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i lived it daily.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I couldn’t, believe it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She married twice! .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Would this be the day?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
What did i know ?
I don,t even have a pension.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She loved him until the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was very sick at this time too.
But, we were locked up after school.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I write beautiful poetry .